Worry Not, Part 1

"Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

I admit, worrying is one of my biggest faults. Often life is overwhelming, and sometimes it seems like the only way I can make sure I get it all done is by anxiously keeping everything on my mind. Worry can even seem to be a virtuous thing at times. If I worry about things, at least I don't have anything go wrong (because I never give it a chance to go wrong!).

But God has been speaking to me a lot the past few weeks on this subject. He has been pointing out to me that there is a much bigger issue here. The real issue is fear. Fear of failure, rejection, pain, etc. But does my worrying change any of that at all? Not one bit!! What did Christ have to say about it? "Do not be anxious....which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?...Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matt 6:25, 27, 34) The truth is, worry (fear, anxiety, etc.) is of the flesh. It is a tool used by Satan to divide us from Christ. Because when I worry, I my thoughts are not focused on the Lord--they are focused on me!! What can I do, what can I accomplish--and how can I possibly do it all?!

I read an amazing quote recently from the July 4th entry of My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers:

Resting in the Lord does not depend on external circumstances at all, but on your relationship to God Himself. Fussing always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of who really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way. Our Lord was never worried and He was never anxious, because He was not "out" to realize His own idea; He was "out" to realize God's ideas. Fretting is wicked if you are a child of God. Have you been bolstering up that stupid soul of yours with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God? Put all "supposing" on one side and dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God.

Wow. That is a powerfully convicting statement! "Fretting is wicked." Forgive me, Lord, for ever trying to do without You!!

Lessons from Silence

In case you haven't noticed... I've been rather distant on here! Honestly, I've just been enjoying life. I focused on finishing my second-to-last semester well. I spent time with my family, enjoyed time with my friends. I haven't spent nearly as much of my lesure time on the computer as I usually do. Other things have been fighting for my attention. Life is on the brink of changing rapidly for me, and I'm trying to soak up all I can.

I think that a little time of blogging rest has been good for me. Sometimes it is easy to want to post things on here just because I'm trying to get the attention of those who read it. But that's not really what this blog is all about. I started this mainly because I want a place to write my thoughts on living life for God. But if all I'm doing is posting to please others, that kind of defeats the purpose. Paul talks about this in Galatians 1: "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." So, as a servant of Christ, I am going to try to please God and not man. Eternal praise is far better than momentary praise anyway!!

Lessons

Wow, I'm on a writing streak! Two posts in one day. Must be a record! I got in one of my old writing moods tonight (I don't get them too much during school....) and I just had to stay up and write this. So I thought I'd post it. I'll explain more of the background in a few days. For now, I'll just say that November has been the worst month of my life. This semester was difficult, but it was going well until about a month ago. Then everything I'd worked for came crashing down around me.

These past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. I have been humbled more than I ever wished to be. Humility doesn't come easily, especially when you struggle with pride as much as I do. In the middle of all the heartache, I just kind of collapsed. The past few weeks I’ve been sitting on the couch, with my lip eternally stuck out, pouting to God and hating the world. Why God? Why does life have to be so hard? Why can’t I just be in heaven with You? Why do I have to go through hardships?

Then I began to realize. What if Jesus had felt this way? He left heaven to suffer here on earth. I long for heaven, but I have never tasted its joys. Jesus knew all about heaven’s joys. He was the King of heaven, who came to be humiliated on earth. His entire life on earth was about suffering. Yet He did it for joy. “…who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame…” (Heb. 12:2) That is something I’m just now grasping: how our suffering actually can be for joy. The other day as I was listening to a song on the radio, I realized that my main problem with this whole situation is that I haven’t been focused on hope. What hope we have in Christ!! I have not experienced anything even close to what other people have experienced in the way of hardships. Compared to Job, I have lost nothing at all. Yet Job still fell down and worshipped his Creator. What a greater, more glorifying thing it would be if I were to take hold of God and hold on so, so tightly during my hard times.

I have realized that it is okay for me to not be okay. God gives us strength in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9), and somehow He has designed it so that when we fade away to nothing, He is even more glorified. But it is not okay for me to sit and feel sorry for myself, to not read my Bible, and to sap the strength from all those around me. I need to get my strength from God alone. Yes it is okay to have Christians who share our burdens. That is what Christian community is all about. But it is wrong for me to rely on them more than God. And somehow in this weakness, I’ve gotten further from God rather than closer to Him. I’ve allowed myself to believe that since I was depressed, I didn’t need to read my Bible. That because I didn’t really feel like praying, it was okay to not pray. After all, other people are praying for me, right?! That should be enough. Surely God will understand. But why in the world would I not want to sit and pour my heart out to God? He is my best Friend, my Husband, and the only thing in the universe that matters. Oh my heart breaks to think of my complete weakness! I don’t even have to strength to cling to Him when I need Him the most. What a mighty God we serve, that He loves us in spite of our weaknesses.

At the Feet of Jesus

At the feet of Jesus
I'm laying down my load
I cannot hope to keep
What I've been clutching anymore
I'm poured out like water on
A dry and barren land

Giving all that I've held dear

An offering You demand

All that You require
Is nothing left of me
An empty pitcher filled
With the beauty found in Thee
Peace that passes understanding
And joy that never ends
A life devoted to Thee, My Lord
Rejoicing with You as Friend

[Written after studying Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot, and 2 Samuel 23:13-17]

The Sweet Sacrifice of Surrender

Yesterday in our leadership meeting with the BCM, my friend Cindy said something that really convicted me. She said, "I just know that wherever I am and however long I live, my life will be poured out for the glory of God." I almost started crying when she said that. Ever since high school, that is the way that I have also felt. But this past year of college, particularly this past semester, has been extremely difficult for me. I know I wouldn't have gotten through without the grace of God.

I started to feel sorry for myself. And I think that in my pity party, I forgot the beauty of a life lived for Him. I lost track of what it meant to live completely with my eyes focused on God's glory. It seems that the "theme" of this year for me has been sacrifice. Everything I do seems hard, and I almost feel like God is telling me, "This is just practice for what is to come". That has been so difficult for me. I don't want to sacrifice. My flesh doesn't want to give up. But I know that I have to. Jesus calls us to come and carry our crosses. We are to do the hard things, go to the hard places. And I have felt for years now that He is calling me to some very hard places.

When I was in high school, I struggled with things that seemed big to me at the time, but when I look back I see that they were just small struggles--getting over a crush, deciding where to go to college, and making small sacrifices. Yet I think that those small struggles have helped to prepare me for the greater struggles. I don't want to fight. My flesh is weak, and I would rather give in. But I have seen God be faithful in so many small things, and I know that He will continue to lead me in the big things as well. I don't know where He is leading me, but I know that I must follow His call to come and die to myself.

Thanks, Cindy, for helping me remember that! :)

One Night with the King

Several months ago we got together with some other women and girls from our church for a "girls night out". We rented One Night with the King, popped some popcorn, and settled in to enjoy the show.

We had a wonderful time watching this movie. The story of Esther has always been my favorite Bible story, and I think that this movie was very well made. The storyline in the movie did differ slightly from the Biblical account, but I don't think that there were a lot of significant changes. The only complaint I had was that I found the plot a bit confusing at times. There was a lot of conspiracy involved in the storyline, and I found that some if it was difficult to follow.

However, I really appreciated the way that Esther's faith was made clear in the movie. The film makers did an excellent job of showing what a truly courageous woman she was, yet made it clear that her courage came from God. In the movie she compared herself to David when he fought Goliath. She knew that just as David was able to kill Goliath through God's power, that only through God's power would she be able to safely appear before her king. The scene where she enters the throne room uninvited is the most powerful scene in the entire movie. It wonderfully displays the remarkable courage that Esther had, and shows just how much she trusted her Maker, yet still showed respect for her husband.

This past semester, my sister, best friend, and I led a Bible study on our college campus studying Esther. One of the things that we most noticed about Esther was her submissive heart. Throughout the entire book, Esther is humble and obedient to God’s plan. Wherever she went, God rewarded her obedience with His favor and caused her to be blessed (Esther 2:9).

How much have I relied upon Christ for my strength? Not as much as Esther, I know. I wonder if I put my whole trust in God’s hands and relied on Him for my strength as Esther did, how much God could accomplish through me. The whole key is submission, and being willing to lay down my own life for the King.