At the Feet of Jesus

At the feet of Jesus
I'm laying down my load
I cannot hope to keep
What I've been clutching anymore
I'm poured out like water on
A dry and barren land

Giving all that I've held dear

An offering You demand

All that You require
Is nothing left of me
An empty pitcher filled
With the beauty found in Thee
Peace that passes understanding
And joy that never ends
A life devoted to Thee, My Lord
Rejoicing with You as Friend

[Written after studying Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot, and 2 Samuel 23:13-17]

The Sweet Sacrifice of Surrender

Yesterday in our leadership meeting with the BCM, my friend Cindy said something that really convicted me. She said, "I just know that wherever I am and however long I live, my life will be poured out for the glory of God." I almost started crying when she said that. Ever since high school, that is the way that I have also felt. But this past year of college, particularly this past semester, has been extremely difficult for me. I know I wouldn't have gotten through without the grace of God.

I started to feel sorry for myself. And I think that in my pity party, I forgot the beauty of a life lived for Him. I lost track of what it meant to live completely with my eyes focused on God's glory. It seems that the "theme" of this year for me has been sacrifice. Everything I do seems hard, and I almost feel like God is telling me, "This is just practice for what is to come". That has been so difficult for me. I don't want to sacrifice. My flesh doesn't want to give up. But I know that I have to. Jesus calls us to come and carry our crosses. We are to do the hard things, go to the hard places. And I have felt for years now that He is calling me to some very hard places.

When I was in high school, I struggled with things that seemed big to me at the time, but when I look back I see that they were just small struggles--getting over a crush, deciding where to go to college, and making small sacrifices. Yet I think that those small struggles have helped to prepare me for the greater struggles. I don't want to fight. My flesh is weak, and I would rather give in. But I have seen God be faithful in so many small things, and I know that He will continue to lead me in the big things as well. I don't know where He is leading me, but I know that I must follow His call to come and die to myself.

Thanks, Cindy, for helping me remember that! :)

Foundation Building

So, yesterday was a pretty bad day. There are so many times I can honestly say that I hate nursing school. Yesterday was probably one of those days. I just tried to not think about it, though. I've been studying for probably 3 weeks for a test over everything to do with the Cardiac system--bypass surgeries, hypertension, cardiomyopathy, valve disorders, interpreting EKGs, etc. I've heard about this test for years now. It is supposed to be one of the hardest tests in all of nursing school. So when we first started the lectures on the cardiac system, I started studying almost immediately. But yesterday, I made a 73 on the test. That's a D. *sigh* I still have an 82 in the class, a C, so I'm hoping I can bring my grade back up to the B I had before. I'm just really disappointed that even though I studied so hard I ended up with such a low grade. I think that was probably the average grade in the class. I asked pretty much everyone what they ended up with, and the highest grade I heard of was an 86, which is a really low B.

We had all of spring break to study. I even skipped out on a mission trip that I wanted to go on more than anything else. But I don't think I have ever felt as depressed or lonely as I did last week. I just completely felt like there was nothing left of me. I would sit down to study, and I couldn't really focus at all. I called Mrs. Polly (the awesome lady who disciples me!) and asked for her to meet with me. We sat and talked for a really long time, and I felt so much better for it. I told her that I really feel upset because I feel like what I am called to do right now (nursing school) is pulling me away from the things I want to be doing to serve God. I don't see how it could be better to have to stay home and study than go on a missions trip. How could that be serving God more? Yet I believe that God always places us where we need to be to glorify Him the most. So somehow, this is how God has me serving Him.

Mrs. Polly said that she has realized in her life that the things we want to serve God with the most, God often takes away from us for a time so that we will want them with all of our hearts. Through this, when I am finally on the mission field, I will be able to look back at this time and remember just how much I struggled during this time, longing to serve God. So this is a strengthening time for me. As much as I would like for it to be over with, this time in my life is vital. Because, as Mrs. Polly told me, God doesn't build with cracked foundations. He has to make us whole first.

One Night with the King

Several months ago we got together with some other women and girls from our church for a "girls night out". We rented One Night with the King, popped some popcorn, and settled in to enjoy the show.

We had a wonderful time watching this movie. The story of Esther has always been my favorite Bible story, and I think that this movie was very well made. The storyline in the movie did differ slightly from the Biblical account, but I don't think that there were a lot of significant changes. The only complaint I had was that I found the plot a bit confusing at times. There was a lot of conspiracy involved in the storyline, and I found that some if it was difficult to follow.

However, I really appreciated the way that Esther's faith was made clear in the movie. The film makers did an excellent job of showing what a truly courageous woman she was, yet made it clear that her courage came from God. In the movie she compared herself to David when he fought Goliath. She knew that just as David was able to kill Goliath through God's power, that only through God's power would she be able to safely appear before her king. The scene where she enters the throne room uninvited is the most powerful scene in the entire movie. It wonderfully displays the remarkable courage that Esther had, and shows just how much she trusted her Maker, yet still showed respect for her husband.

This past semester, my sister, best friend, and I led a Bible study on our college campus studying Esther. One of the things that we most noticed about Esther was her submissive heart. Throughout the entire book, Esther is humble and obedient to God’s plan. Wherever she went, God rewarded her obedience with His favor and caused her to be blessed (Esther 2:9).

How much have I relied upon Christ for my strength? Not as much as Esther, I know. I wonder if I put my whole trust in God’s hands and relied on Him for my strength as Esther did, how much God could accomplish through me. The whole key is submission, and being willing to lay down my own life for the King.